I performed as an undergraduate first because it was fun, and then because it paid well. I was an English major, but declared a theatre minor to become eligible for scholarship money, which grew with every show I did (and even more with shows I decided not to do; when I decided to only do one show during one of my last semesters before graduating, I was offered--for a five week commitment--the equivalent of $500 per week in addition to the money I was already getting from the department, well over the supposed maximum for a theatre minor). The opportunities were great, but so was the timesuck, and I still regret putting so many hours on the stage and not enough in the writing, even though the writing never would have helped me afford to graduate the way acting did.

Never thought I'd ever want to pursue acting as a career. I joked with my fellow actors that I'd be waiting tables right alongside them, but I'd make it clear that I was a starving writer, not a starving actor--and there is a difference. But every once in a while, I did wonder if a door beyond college tuition was being opened for me there. A local newspaper called me a "physical comedy virtuoso" in a review. Audience members liked me a lot and told me so. I got to work with kids (which I enjoy) and do some wonderful shows, including a North American Premiere, some wonderful Sondheim, and a Shakespeare comedy directed like it was a sex farce (which was tons of fun).

But what sticks in my mind most when I think about acting as a career option is when my father and girlfriend both came to Ashland to visit the final dress rehearsal of Bye Bye Birdie, because neither one of them would be able to make it to a real performance of that show. My father leaned over to my girlfriend during the performance and said how great I was in the show. "Can you believe he doesn't want to do this for a living?" It's ironic in that he always tried to talk me out of pursuing my artsy stuff like writing because it was no way to pay the bills. And it's funny and sad because it's something he never would have told me to my face. He'd wanted to be a painter originally, and I think the thought of my success at something artsy both frightened and exhilarated him. Another story for another time though.

So I knew my acting was worth something to someone. But I never knew if the scholarship money was offered in desperation because there were fewer guys than women in the theatre department (and somehow they never learned to pick shows with a more realistic female:male ratio) or if it was because I was actually good enough to earn my keep. Ashland University was certainly a small pond, if you will, so was I nothing more than a big fish?

I wondered about this often, even while accepting some roles and encouraging directors to choose more suitable actors for others. But by the time I graduated I was sick of performing as much as you can be sick of any pasttime you still somewhat enjoy, and towards the end it gave me less enjoyment than it gave me guilt because I was neglecting what I felt was my true calling, that is my writing.

So even before I graduated I decided my career was over, my acting resume complete. I cheated a little, and took a role or two in student-directed pieces after "retiring," but nobody's perfect. The roles were worth it. Yasmina Reza's Art? How could I say no?

Friends and fellow actors (especially Maria Swinehart, who is worthy of note here) have unwaveringly encouraged me to do community theatre ever since I "quit," and I did feel like that was something I might do eventually, but, as it was, after graduation, I just wasn't interested in getting on stage. I didn't miss it yet.

Filed under Acting, Carrboro Area, Journal, Vanity Smurf

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